


Your Friendly Neighborhood Assassin

by LacklusterEnvy



Category: Borderlands (Video Games)
Genre: Awkwardness, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff, Friendship, He doesn't undertand life, He's an Alien okay?, Zer0's a Mess
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-17
Updated: 2018-10-16
Packaged: 2019-06-28 20:42:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,704
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15714723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LacklusterEnvy/pseuds/LacklusterEnvy
Summary: So, you want to hear a story, eh? One centered around your favorite faceless assassin? But what if I told you, he had a face? And that his many adventures might lead him to a place where he's comfortable? I'm kidding I'm kidding. This isn't some mushy awkward rom/com. Okay maybe it will be, but who knows, you might like that. So sit down, buckle up, and settle in. It's gonna be a long one. (Yes I know its not necessarily cannon but let me have my things okay? also I'm trying to keep everyone in character I really am!)





	1. Challenges

Zer0 wandered the wastelands of Pandora aimlessly. He had passed through a town a few hours ago and tried to get work, but it seemed nobody wanted anybody dead. This disappointed Zer0. He was told Pandora was full of murderous scumbags who were willing to fight anything and anyone and he had found none of that. All he came across was town upon town of people terrified of him.  
_It is of no use/ Everyone here is boring/ There is no challenge_  
He spoke out loud to nobody in particular. He recalled the first time someone teased him for the way he spoke. He had made short work of them and had felt good doing so. Now he yearned for that feeling again. Blade slicing through flesh. The smell of blood and the sounds of screams. Just thinking about it got Zer0 out of his rut. He’d find a bandit camp. He’d kill some bandits, yes, that would make him feel better. He was lost in thought with his plans when a stray bullet whizzed past his helmet. A red “ >:(“ displayed from his faceplate as he ducked into cover.  
_That was very rude/ Dear friend, I ask that you stop/ Lest you end up dead_  
“Oh c’mon that TOTALLY coulda been a headshot if that thing had stood still!” A trill voice rung out against the sky. “Lemme try again! Double or nothin Tina!”  
“No, the bet was FIRST TRY! You lost Gaige!” A slightly younger voice replied.  
Were… children shooting at him? He slowly peered over his cover to find that neither figure was looking at him. He looked down his sights and shot- right between the pair to stop the argument. Both girls screamed and turned to him, guns drawn.  
_If I wanted to/ You’d both be dead where you stand/ Now please, stop fighting_  
Zer0 strode slowly towards the young girls who trained their weapons on him.  
_Now, now. Put those down/ You little girls might get hurt/ Guns are not a toy_  
“FUCK YOU!” The red haired one called Gaige screamed at it as she unloaded a clip into its body. She looked, expecting to see blood, but instead she saw the form she shot at flicker and disappear. “WHAT THE FU-” She was stopped by a hand over her mouth and a tug at her gun.  
_I said put it down/ You children never listen/ Will you be quiet?_  
Gaige nodded. Terrified by what just played out. That thing had been right in front of her seconds ago. How did it manage to get behind her and disarm her? And why wasn’t Tina helping? The hand let go of her and she was able to see why Tina hadn’t helped. Tina was on the ground, holding her head, and sobbing quietly.  
“THEY WENT INVISIBLE! NO FAIR!”  
_You two misbehaved/ I had to discipline you/ Bad children get hit_  
“I’m not a kid you know.”  
_What?_  
“I’m not a kid. What the hell do you want? Who are you?”  
_I- Could you slow down?/ These things you say are too much/ We should start over_  
With that, Zer0 awkwardly extended a hand in greeting.  
_My name is Zer0/ You two are Gaige and Tina/ Now we shake hands, right?_  
Gaige stared at the hand that was thrust into her face. It was missing a finger. Why was it missing a finger? What was this thing?  
“What ARE you?”  
_I’m an assassin/ I’m in search of a challenge/ So far, there are none_  
“No, no that’s- god. That’s not what I meant you weirdo! What are you?”  
Zer0 froze. He had been asked this question many times and never had a solid answer to give anyone. He usually just panicked and killed the person who asked him, but he really didn’t feel like killing children. For all of his moral depravities, that was the one thing he wouldn’t do. Well, there was a lot that he wouldn’t do but now was not the time to think of all of the things he didn’t do. He had to answer.  
_I am… not… human/ If that is what you’re asking/ I am not from here_  
That answer should satisfy them, right?  
“You got an innie or an outie, buddy?” The one called Tina was attempting to get in his face but even on tippy toe was barely chest level.  
_I… what?_  
Gaige sighed and shook her head, “She wants to know if you’re a boy or a girl. Sorry, Tina’s… Well, she’s Tina.”  
_Sure… Right… I am male/ This planet is very strange/ Very intrusive_  
With that answer, Tina threw her arms around the assassin's waist and squeezed, “A BRAND NEW BIG BROTHER! Can we keep him Gaige? Can we can we can we? Please oh please I’ll clean my room!” Zer0 was attempting to pry the small girl off, panicked by this sudden display of affection that he thought was some sort of attack that Pandorans must use, but no matter how hard he pushed he couldn’t seem to get the small girl off of him.  
“TINA! DOWN GIRL!” Zer0 heard a deeper female voice call from the distance. More? Was this an ambush? Did Pandorans send their children to lower the guard of their prey? He felt the small girl’s hold on him lessen until she was finally off of him. Zer0 jumped back and pulled his sword, certain he was under attack and excited for a fight.  
“Tina, see? You freaked him out. Now, calm down sheesh I’m not here to hurt you. My name’s Lilith. We’re looking for recruits for the Crimson Raiders. You’ve scared quite a few people out here you know?”  
Zer0 sheathed his sword and stood up straight. He was only slightly disappointed that he wouldn’t get to kill something.  
_I’ve scared some people?/ All I’ve done is kill bandits/ And Hyperions_  
“Right… well um… Like I said, I’m Lilith.” The woman reached her hand out towards him. Zer0 displayed a “:)” on his faceplate as he took her hand and didn’t let go.  
_I am called Zer0/ I’m an assassin by trade/ I seek a challenge/ These… Crimson Raiders/ What do you do exactly?/ Why do you seek me?_  
Lilith was becoming increasingly aware that the man in front of her was not human and it was starting to make her uncomfortable. He was still holding her hand as he spoke in an odd rhythm.  
“We… mostly are trying to take down Hyperion. Nobody’s been able to and you seem to have a knack for killing them. We’re also on the lookout for Vaults if that interests you at all?” The creature holding her hand seemed to take a moment to consider his words.  
_You are telling me/ Hyperion’s a challenge?/ And what of these Vaults?_  
Lilith managed to wrestle her hand away from Zer0, earning her a “?” displayed in her face. “Vaults are the biggest challenge of them all. You get into one, you’re set for life. Not to mention It’d piss Jack off beyond what you’d ever think was possible.”  
_Then I accept your challenge._


	2. First Impressions

“That’s… great. Tina, you want to take him to Sanctuary and get him comfortable while me and Gaige round up everyone else?”  
“Yes ma’am! I will make sure his is the most comfy he has ever been and ever will be! Let’s go Mr. Gimpsuit!” Tina took hold of Zer0’s hand and began dragging him into the desert.  
“Tina, please don’t kill him!” Gaige called after them as they parted ways.  
Zer0 looked back at the women and flashed a quick “!” before they were out of sight. He didn’t fear Tina, but he was concerned by the tone of voice that Gaige had used. He hoped it wouldn’t come down to having to kill a child. Tina dragged him along nonetheless, not worried about the fact that her new companion was gripping his sword extra tight.  
“You’re gonna LOVE Sanctuary. It’s really cool, and it floats, and there’s a lot of people. You’re gonna love the people. Do you like people? Anyways, we’re gonna have so much FUN!” Zer0 sighed heavily. He was already regretting this decision. He was, however, a man of his word. He wanted to see this challenge through. Tina continued to drone on about Sanctuary and kept calling it his new home. Did they really expect him to live there? He really hadn’t agreed to that, and if that’s what they were expecting they were going to be sorely disappointed. Zer0 was a loner. He always had been and he always would be. That was one of the requirements of being an assassin. Not getting close to anyone. He became lost in his thoughts for the second time that day and nearly crashed into Tina when she stopped walking.  
“WE’RE HERE!” They were stood in front of a tall, skinny black box whose top had opened up revealing a holographic model of Pandora. “This’ll take us right to Sanctuary so step right up!” Zer0 was wary of this. He had seen them in a few towns he had visited and everyone who ‘used’ them up and disappeared. “Don’t tell me you’re scared of it? You must’ve used loads of them by now! Unless, have you been WALKING this whole time?”  
_Not sure I trust it/ You should go first to be safe/ I’ll follow behind_  
“No, nu-uh, no way. You’re trying to leave me. You and me are going through at the same time and you are going to be just fine. Only twelve people have died in the history of these things and it was because they were injured to begin with. LET’S GO!” She pulled Zer0 through and there was a rush of light around him. He became disoriented and squeezed his eyes shut. He did not like this one bit. Just as he felt like he was ready to throw up, his feet hit solid ground and he collapsed.  
“Whoa, you really can’t handle that can you? Well, c’mon get up. You can lay down and be sucky in the base.”  
Zero got to his feet and found his bearings the best that he could. He was in a small building in what he assumed was Sanctuary. Tina already had him by the arm and was dragging him alongside her.  
“Come OOON, you slowpoke! You’ll miss all the fun of meeting everyone if you don’t hurry up!”  
Zer0 wondered what she meant by everyone. Just how many people were there? He was dreadfully awful at getting along with crowds and all in all had a bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. Maybe it was from the warp still. Pushing all his bad feelings aside, he fell in step next to Tina, certain that she would pull his arm out of its socket if he didn’t.  
“Okay! This is home from now on! Come on in you’ll love it! Oh hey, you use a sniper right? Mordy uses one too you’ll be great friends I’m sure of it!” Tina went into babble mode as they stepped into a slightly run-down looking building. This is where they were staying? What did he sign up for? Not that he’d be staying with them, not by a long shot. He pushed that out of his head as the small girl beside him droned on about the people he’d be meeting. He tuned back in just in time to hear a warning from the girl.  
“And whatever you do, DON’T go into Axton’s room! He sleeps naked and we all found out the hard way. It was awful! I never want to see a naked man again for as long as I live! And you shouldn’t either! Unless you’re into that in which case bust his door down for all I care! Just… not when I’m around. I don’t need to see any of that!” Tina pulled Zer0 into what seemed to be the common area of their little base and let go of his arm, “Okay. So make yourself comfy while we wait for everyone to get here.”  
Zer0 looked around the room and took note of his surroundings. A stained, beaten up couch sat neglected in a corner. A radio sat atop a table next to it and small, worn out chairs scattered the walls. Here and there, a few bean bags were thrown between chairs. Zer0 didn’t feel that any of these surfaces were particularly clean, so he opted instead for crouching in the corner of the room. Tina shrugged at him and plopped herself onto a bean bag. Zer0 quickly grew bored and began running diagnostics on his suit. His display told him he’d have to fix his air filters soon. Too much walking around in the desert. Suddenly, he heard a noise and looked up. A tall, lanky man was walking through the door. He had goggles over his eyes and his dreadlocked hair was wrapped in a scarf. His pointed beard had traces of liquid and the bottle in his hand told Zer0 that it was a type of alcohol. The man walked over to the couch and fell onto it gracelessly. He nodded over at Tina and looked questioningly at Zer0, “Hey lil’ crazy. Who’s yer friend?” The man spoke softly, without the hint of drunkenness that Zer0 was sure would be there.  
“That, my dear Mordy, is our new friend! He says his name is Zer0. You know he uses a sniper rifle too! I bet you two could have a lot to talk about!” The man let out a small hum and turned his attention to Zer0, “Name’s Mordecai. I guess Lilith found you today then? Good. We’re in need of people. Need a drink?”  
Zer0 looked the man over silently and quickly decided he wasn’t a threat. Probably too drunk for much despite not sounding it. Mordecai still looked at him expectantly and Zer0 realized he had been asked a question that required an answer.  
_I will be fine, thanks/ It is not necessary/ I don’t need to drink_  
Zer0 cursed himself silently. He knew it sounded rushed and odd. He was only giving them fuel for more questions. Mordecai was staring at him and going over what he just said.  
“Did- did you just fuckin speak in haiku?”  
_I suppose I did/ You’re the first to say something/ Very observant_  
“Alright then… Uh… You always do that?”  
_It is inconsistent._  
“Okay... Tina, I’ll hand it to ya, I think you got the weirdest one I’ve seen to date.”  
Just then a blue haired woman burst in with a behemoth of a Psycho behind her. Zer0 immediately cloaked and dashed behind the Psycho. Did she really not see this giant behind her? Zer0 rolled his eyes and began to draw his sword when he heard the woman speak to the creature.  
“Krieg, this is our base. This is Tina, and that’s Mordecai. Just sit down and get comfortable, okay?”  
Zer0 sighed and replaced his sword. No killing. This was apparently a teammate. He became visible again just in time to be smacked.  
“Ow! Shit! That hurt! What the fuck are you doing sneaking up on someone!” The blue haired woman was rubbing her hand. She had smacked him right where his speaker and air filter were so she had gotten a handful of metal edges, meanwhile temporarily causing a ringing effect in Zer0’s ear. He shook his head and patted the speaker until the ringing subsided. He stared at her, watching her body language. Her shoulders were pinched and her back was hunched. Her stance was wide and she was still rubbing her palm. She was obviously angry but Zer0 couldn’t fathom why. He had been trying to protect her from a perceived threat and she attacked him. If anyone deserved to be mad, it was him. Luckily for her, he didn’t feel such emotions, he could only read them on others. She was looking at him now, glaring actually. He again realized that he had been asked a question. He concentrated to make a haiku that would excuse his behavior.  
_I had no idea/ The Psycho was your ally/ Next time, I won’t help_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooo... bad first impressions and a sassy ass alien! sorry I had caffeine.

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, Zer0 is an awkward alien who doesn't know how to shake hands! What of it? I'm sure you all can guess what other "moral depravities" he doesn't take part in. ohohohohoho but maybe he will later on  
> Okay that's done. Back to writing byeeeeee


End file.
